The Chap Olympic Committee has completed its exhaustive inspection of Bedford Square Gardens and submitted its final instructions for structural amendments, including the removal of safety barriers from the Olympic Track, the installation of 1000 ashtrays and the removal of the rainforest which sprouted last year.
This year’s 8th Chap Olympiad runs over two days, Saturday 7th and Sunday 8th July. Saturday’s events will run as follows:
1.00 The Pipeathlon: six contestants must complete a 10-yard course using three disciplines – pipe smoking, cycling and being carried by their servants across the finishing line.
1.20 Gentlemen’s Golf Club: contestants must hit a bowler hat into a large fishing net using a walking stick.
1.40 Swooning: one for the ladies. Chaps have to induce the ladies to swoon through any means possible.
2.00 Butler Baiting: teams of two (master and butler) must assemble a wardrobe impressive enough to satisfy the butler, by running back and forth between their master and a suitcase full of clothing.
2.30 Not Playing Tennis: contestants seated in armchairs play a game of tennis without getting up. The tennis ball is suspended on a wire hung between two hat stands.
3.00-4.00 During the interval, you will be entertained and educated in the arts of Omnicombat – a variation on the 19th century martial art of Bartitsu, or gentlemanly self defence with walking canes and umbrellas. This demonstration will be made by Albion and his son Merlin, both adepts. Albion has assured us that “We have no insurance cover, but it is very unlikely that anyone will suffer serious injury or death.”
4.00 Ironing Board Surfing. Contestants mount their ironing boards and are carried over the finishing line by their butlers and housekeepers.
4.20 Moustache Wrestling: two contestants must pluck a single hair from their opponent’s lip weasel.
4.40 Briefcase Phalanx: a line of ten chaps and chapettes, dressed for the office and clutching briefcases and handbags, creates a phalanx. Lone contestants must charge at them and try to break through to the secretary on the other side, who is ready to type a letter.
5.20 Shouting at Foreigners: contestants must pit their gentlemanly skills against a curmudgeonly, uncooperative foreign shop assistant.
5.40 Umbrella Jousting: two contestants, armed only with brollies and briefcases, must go at one another on bicycles and attempt to knock each other off.
Sunday’s running order will be posted shortly. Tickets are available for each of the two days individually, or at at a reduced price for both days. Tickets are available from www.thechapolympiad.com/ or by telephoning 020 7724 1617