It be talk like a pirate day, mateys

Today we glorify the scourge of the seas and remember that even the buc’neers and brigands of the seas had a code of honor, be there any honor ‘mongst thieves and murd’rers.

Today we be abidin’ by the articles of Cap’n Henry Morgan:

  • The fund of all payments under the articles is the stock of what is gotten by the expedition, following the same law as other pirates, that is, No prey, no pay.
  • Compensation is provided the Captain for the use of his ship, and the salary of the carpenter, or shipwright, who mended, careened, and rigged the vessel (the latter usually about 150 pieces of eight). A sum for provisions and victuals is specified, usually 200 pieces of eight. A salary and compensation is specified for the surgeon and his medicine chest, usually 250 pieces of eight.
  • A standard compensation is provided for maimed and mutilated buccaneers. 
  • “Thus they order for the loss of a right arm six hundred pieces of eight, or six slaves
  • for the loss of a left arm five hundred pieces of eight, or five slaves
  • for a right leg five hundred pieces of eight, or five slaves
  • for the left leg four hundred pieces of eight, or four slaves
  • for an eye one hundred pieces of eight, or one slave
  • for a finger of the hand the same reward as for the eye.
  • Shares of booty are provided as follows:
    • The Captain, or chief Commander, is allotted five or six portions to what the ordinary seamen have
    • The Master’s Mate only two
    • Officers proportionate to their employment.
    • After whom they draw equal parts from the highest even to the lowest mariner, the boys not being omitted. For even these draw half a share, by reason that, when they happen to take a better vessel than their own, it is the duty of the boys to set fire to the ship or boat wherein they are, and then retire to the prize which they have taken.
  • “In the prizes they take, it is severely prohibited to every one to usurp anything, in particular to themselves. . . . Yea, they make a solemn oath to each other not to abscond, or conceal the least thing they find amongst the prey. If afterwards any one is found unfaithful, who has contravened the said oath, immediately he is separated and turned out of the society.”
  • If ye be needin’ help with ye piratey talkin’, set ye course here.

    ~~~

    We don’t be honorin’ all pirates on this merry day, mind ye. 

    My dream job

    Following up on a previous post, I see a job opportunity calling:

    Wanted: 1 goat herder, 30 goats at O’Hare Int’l Airport – Chicago News and Weather | FOX Chicago News

    I half-heartedly kid (pun intended) about seeking the job, but it’s not that far-fetched of a concept for a modern enterprise to employ goats for unmanicured lawn care. Even Google has done it.

    Given that I now have posted on this topic multiple times, where does this goat-fetish come from? As a young-un, I had a pet goat named “Tater” for a while. We kept him in the back yard, but some neighbors up the road from us had a pasture full of goats and, I guess Tater longed for companionship, because he ran away to join the herd on the hill. Having compassion on him, we gave him to the farmer so he wouldn’t have to be lonely. I guess I’ve never recovered from the trauma of someone else getting my goat.

    Machiavellian Chuck Norris "facts"

    I recently finished reading Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli’s The Prince, and in the back of the edition I have were a few other shorter writings of Machiavelli, and one that particularly piqued my interest was The Life of Castruccio Castracani of Lucca. In this story, Machiavelli gives us an embellished (and often fictional) account of the life of Castruccio Castracani. You can read it online here.

    The thing that struck me as hilarious was the end of the story, which immediately made me think of the Chuck Norris “facts” that one can read online. For fun, I’ll add a few by borrowing lines from Machiavelli:

    • Chuck Norris had caused a one million dollars to be given for a pizza, and was taken to task for doing so by a friend, to whom he had said: “You would not have given more than ten dollars.” “That is true,” answered the friend. Then said Chuck Norris to him: “A million dollars is much less to me.”
    • Having about him a flatterer on whom he had spat to show that he scorned him, the flatterer said to him: “Fisherman are willing to let the waters of the sea saturate them in order that they make take a few little fishes, and I allow myself to be wetted by spittle that I may catch a whale”; and this was not only heard by Chuck Norris with patience but rewarded.
    • A friend gave Chuck Norris a very curiously tied knot to undo and was told: “Fool, do you think that I wish to untie a thing which gave so much trouble to fasten.”
    • Going by water from Houston to Miami, Chuck Norris was much disturbed by a dangerous storm that sprang up, and was reproached for cowardice by one of those with him, who said that he did not fear anything. Chuck Norris answered that he did not wonder at that, since every man valued his soul for what is was worth.
    • To a person who was boasting that he had read many things, Chuck Norris said: “He knows better than to boast of remembering many things.”
    • Being also blamed for eating very expensive foods, Chuck Norris answered: “Thou dost not spend as much as I do?” and being told that it was true, he continued: “Then thou art more avaricious than I am gluttonous.”
    • Being invited by Taddeo Bernardi, a very rich and splendid citizen of Luca, to supper, Chuck Norris went to the house and was shown by Taddeo into a chamber hung with silk and paved with fine stones representing flowers and foliage of the most beautiful colouring. Chuck Norris gathered some saliva in his mouth and spat it out upon Taddeo, and seeing him much disturbed by this, said to him: “I knew not where to spit in order to offend thee less.”
    • Being asked a favour by one who used many superfluous words, Chuck Norris said to him: “When you have another request to make, send someone else to make it.” Having been wearied by a similar man with a long oration who wound up by saying: “Perhaps I have fatigued you by speaking so long,” Chuck Norris said: “You have not, because I have not listened to a word you said.”
    • Whilst he was still in the charge of Messer Francesco Guinigi, one of his companions said to him: “What shall I give you if you will let me give you a blow on the nose?” Chuck Norris answered: “A helmet.”
    • Having put to death a citizen of Lucca who had been instrumental in raising him to power, and being told that he had done wrong to kill one of his old friends, Chuck Norris answered that people deceived themselves; he had only killed a new enemy.
    • Chuck Norris was once asked in what manner he would wish to be buried when he died, and answered: “With the face turned downwards, for I know when I am gone this country will be turned upside down.”
    • Chuck Norris was once asked when should a man eat to preserve his health, and replied: “If the man be rich let him eat when he is hungry; if he be poor, then when he can.”
    • He was having a discussion with the ambassador of the King of Naples concerning the property of some banished nobles, when a dispute arose between them, and the ambassador asked him if he had no fear of the king. “Is this king of yours a bad man or a good one?” asked Chuck Norris, and was told that he was a good one, whereupon he said, “Why should you suggest that I should be afraid of a good man?”

    Note: The University of Adelaide posted their edition of The life of Castruccio Castracani of Lucca under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported (CC BY-NC-SA 3.0) license. While I believe that their license only applies to the HTML code that renders the page (considering the work has been in the public domain for hundreds of years) that is the license I normally use for content I create anyway.

    If you’d like to read some other Chuck Norris facts, you can check them out on his official website. You can also by the Official Chuck Norris Fact Book here.

    Christmas list addition

    Just in case my wife ever reads this blog, I’d like to add this and the prerequisite Glock pistol to my Christmas list:

    MECHTECH Glock Carbine:
    MechTech’s Glock Carbine kit has been around for a number of years but I have never blogged about it. The MechTech conversion kit is compatible with a number of different full-size and compact Glocks chambered in 9mm, .357 Sig, 40 S&W, 10mm Auto and .45 ACP. Unlike a number of other pistol carbine kits, this kit has a bolt which replaces the Glock’s slide. A feeding block is installed inside the pistol frame to facilitate feeding into the barrel.





    The basic stock is $350, the quad railed version, with full length top rail, is $530.

    Youth Then and Now

    I was introduced to the blog that the post below is from via another read-worthy post on the Art of Manliness:

    Youth Then and Now:


    This cartoon (thanks to http://citizensforsafetechnology.org), which has been knocking around the Internet for a few months, is good enough to show again here.

    Entering an office today full of Millennial knowledge workers (say, a law firm or investment firm) is a curiously subdued experience.  Not a lot of talking, folding, walking, singing, stapling, photocopying… or even moving.  Everyone is intensely focused, busily attending to many tasks, and (usually) communicating with others, often with many others at the same time.  But it’s all done with a screen, keyboard, and headphones.  To the outside observor, there seems to be almost nothing going on.
    I am reminded of the climactic scene in Arthur C. Clarke’s Childhood’s End (1953), when Jan (the last real “human”) returns to earth and finds all of the earth’s children, in the hundreds of millions, lying motionless on one continent, not even opening their eyes.  But they are communicating through telepathy, and soon they begin to move and reconfigure the planets through telekenesis.  As I recall, Jan stays to witness the transformation of the rising generation into pure mind (this is where it gets real Boomer!), which finally happens in a Stanley Kubrick-style flash of pure energy that destroys the entire solar system.
    Thankfully, most Millennials are as yet engaged in more prosaic activities: emailing their boss, IMing their friend, checking out a YouTube video, airbrushing something out of their Facebook wall…

    Can’t fly a dead cat without hitting one

    The flying cat below is a great example of why taxidermy will never go out of style:

    Fur Flying: Dutch Artist Shocks with Dead Cat Helicopter:
    Orville, a tabby cat killed by a car, has been converted into a remote-controlled model helicopter capable of flying at considerable speed. The latest work by Dutch artist Bart Jansen is provoking both amusement and shock in Internet forums. Jansen now plans to fit more powerful engines to Orville’s paws.

    I did’t notice if the artist integrated a cat screech synthesizer in this one, but maybe he can in Orville 3.0 (he has up to Orville 9.0 to get it right, doesn’t he?).

    Seeing this reminded me of an armadillo I saw on the side of the road at Camp Shelby one year. It looked something like this:

    And the armadillo reminded me of the squirrel dioramas  in Dinner for Schmucks, which led me to these great squirrels: