Suthuhnuhs


Over the course of a week I am forwarded many emails, some witty, some not, but this particular one is worth sharing. There are several variants of it floating across the ether, but this is the one that I received (hyperlinks are my addition):

  • Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
  • Southerners know their religions:
  • Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm[1]:
  • Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
  • Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them,you “PITCH” them.
  • Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
  • Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
  • Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
  • Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
  • All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
  • Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!
  • Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that”just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
  • Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
  • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
  • Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!
  • Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
  • In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.
  • Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
  • Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
  • When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
  • Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
  • And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her sweet little heart”… and go your own way.
  • To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
  • And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff….bless your hearts, I hear they’re fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language[3]!
  • Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah !
  • There ain’t no magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason. There ain’t nobody interested in livin’ up north, nobody would buy the magazine!
  • Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a’been! If you’re a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.
~~~

[1] I’ve not had an opportunity to visit Ft. Worth, but I’ve had various fun at the other cities:

[2] I know… I know… he’s not in a tuxedo, but how could I pass up the opportunity to show a picture of Colonel Sanders in a reference to Southern men dressed up?

[3] In reading the text above, if you find your Southern American English skills lacking, I recommend How to Speak Southern by Steve Mitchell and Southern Talk: A Disappearing Language by Ray Cunningham.

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